Gone Roadside Fishing

Sorry, folks, as the intermittent posting suggests, the hectic summer months make it difficult to post. So, Elly's Revenge will be on hiatus until July 25. Until then, we suggest you trot over to Foobiverse, where the posting has always been more lively anyway.

Sunday's strip

By Crumblord
(Promoted from comments)

Well, NOW we know why things ... take ... so ... looooong. If hummingbirds live in one parallel universe, clearly the Pattersons live in another (smack dab in the center of it, natch) where one conversation can last for weeks.

Today's strip

Confession: I Don’t Get Today’s Strip

I guess I should be glad that the one-week lull in watching Patterson children move has finally ended. (Not only was the car-buying sequence boring, Liz's move to the south gives us yet another opportunity to see a Patterson work her magic with packing tape. That's right, Liz, you strap down those box corners. Oh baby.)

But, I truly don’t get what the “joke” is. (This strip is so removed from bona fide humor that one set of quotes around the word "joke" isn’t sufficient. Make that ““““joke””””.) What is the last frame getting at? April asks, “Are you ready to come home?” And Liz looks....what? Is she looking wistfully at her boxed and thoroughly taped (oh baby) belongings, wishing she could stay in Mtsiwhatsit for the summer? Is she thinking she can’t wait to get back to good ol’ Milborough (where, apparently, street numbers aren’t necessary, judging from the way the box Shiimsa isn’t sleeping on is addressed)? That she doesn’t want to leave Shiimsa behind with the savages Mtigwakians? That she regrets buying such an oversized desk for a temporary efficiency apartment?

Liz’s deepest thoughts will undoubtedly be revealed as this week's "action" (make that ““““action””””) d-r-a-g-s on...and they’ll probably turn out to be not that deep. Still, seems like with a little bit of effort, today’s strip could have actually had a...point.

Today’s...Whatever

Elly's New Car

Today's strip

My Car-Buying Checklist, by Elly P.

I tell you, girls, picking out a new car is not an easy decision. Personally, I'm just as happy to have my man handle this along with the other traditional male chores (mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, financially supporting the family, building elaborate model train sets). But, I've decided to strike a blow on behalf of women everywhere by playing an equal-decision-making role in the purchase of my new car. Many of you have written asking me what types of things we women should look for when we buy a car, since, of course, there's no possible way we can be expected to understand mechanical specifications, gas economy and so on.

Here are some things all us ladies should be on the lookout for:

• Is it in a color I really like? (Be sure to check: Is it available with pink interior?)
  
• Will cupholders support both coffee AND tea mugs? (I like herbal tea best. Mmmm.)
  
• Can it handle corners at the mall?
  
• Is there adeqaute clearance between the ceiling and the top of my hair bun?
  
• Is glove compartment big enough to accommodate crafting supplies?
  
• Will it be easy to maneuver into tight parking space at Jazzercise place?
  
• Is there a good space to stow extra pairs of earrings?
  
• Does drivers-side seat support sitting side-saddle?
  
• Is there enough room in the back seat for nurturing?
  
• Can I get vanity lights around the rear-view mirror?
  
• Is there storage space for menopause supplies?
  
• Can manifold be used as extra oven? (for Canadian Thanksgiving time)
  
• Will it look good with my personalized "SuperMom" license plates?
  

Today's strip (for the ladies)

Portrait Magazine Press Release

July Cover Story Exposes Kelpfroths
(Note to editors: This press release is embargoed until June 20.)

Vanity Fair's revelation of Deep Throat's true identity isn't the only big story hitting newsstands in July. Toronto-based monthly Portrait is coming out with an equally sensational article, "Kelpfroth: The Downstairs Neighbors." Writer and Portrait Senior Editor Michael "Les Nessman" Patterson takes Portrait where no publication has dared gone before -- to the downstairs foyer of his apartment building.

His 45,000-word essay chronicles in detail the lives of Melville and Winnie Kelpfroth. Like personalities featured in previous Portrait cover stories (such as Josef Weeder and "not super- but rather so-so- model" Sophia Limpfernuggle), the Kelpfroths were not well previously known: But, now they matter to all Canadians because they know Portrait Senior Editor Michael "Center of Universe" Patterson.

"Now that they know me, theirs is a story that must be told," said Portrait Senior Editor Michael "Thumper" Patterson. "It's a fascinating tale of people who aspire all their lives to live near me and my kin. Yet, when their dreams finally come true, they end up alienating the one person for whom they care the most -- me."

Readers will be spellbound as they learn the true details about Melville Kelpfroth's life including:

• He likes to smoke big cigars, often at oddly inappropriate times.
  
• He prefers tank-top style t-shirts. His favorite color is white. His second favorte color is off-white.
  
• He takes out the trash on Wednesdays.
  
• Um, did we mention he likes cigars?
  
• He seems to have a real problem with masking tape being affixed to the floors of foyers.
  

Like her husband, Winnie Kelpfroth also seems to be easily offended by masking tape in public areas. Through the course of the essay, we also learn other fascinating details about her, like

• "Winnie" is not her real name. (It's "Winifred.") Further, "Kelpfroth" is not her given last name. Apparently, she took that name when she wed Melville Kelpfroth. Her real last name is "Heimerdiddleklingerhoff." "I was never able to determine the reason she changed both her first and last name," said Portrait Senior Editor Michael "Scoop" Patterson. "It is truly objectionable."
  
• When she stands around and talks, she often puts her hand on her hip.
  
• Kids make too much damn noise!
  
• Her husband likes to smoke cigars.
  

Senior Editor Michael "Sweetcheeks" Patterson admits that at first the creative team at Portrait was not enthused about dedicating nearly 25 pages of its July issue to an article about his downstairs neighbors, with whom he had been fueding. "Not everyone 'got it,'" Patterson admits. But, "after reading the first 20,000 or 25,000 words they had to agree: This was a story that had to be told."

"It's easier than fighting with him," says Portrait Publisher Velma Vanderheiderman. "He's got the dirt on all of us. He's threatened to go public with it if we don't let him have his way. How do you think a barely experienced j-school grad got a job like this to begin with? He's vicious, but not particularly savvy. He really does think senior editorial positions at national magazines pay $8,000/Canadian per year."

"This may be our most compelling issue ever," enthuses Senior Editor Michael "Chico de Mama" Patterson. "I predict it will do even better than our 'My Daughter's Pediatrician' and 'Lovey Salzman: Shlemazil or Shlemeil?' features."

Velma Vanderheiderman agrees. Or, at least, she doesn't bother to disagree. "Whatever. He's driving this magazine into the ground anyway. Yet another article about his family or friends isn't going to make a difference."

Says Senior Editor Michael "Captive Audience" Patterson: "I believe this is such an interesting story that people will gladly spend weeks reading it."

-30-

Today's strip

Invisible Cleavage Clasps

By Crumblord
(Promoted from comments)

Today, with April and Becky's trip to the VaVaVoom store ... well ... One-Boob April? Color me disturbed

Today's "strip"

The Weather Here Is Fine

We see speculation afoot that FBoFW is on the prowl against FBOFW commentary blogs. A couple have wondered: Did the fuzz close down this particular outpost of FBoFW criticism?

Not that we know of -- though maybe the hammer will come down now that some of our blogging bretheren have cited us by name. (Thanks for that, all. "Hey, Mr. Nazi, I hope you don't hassle Mr. Goldberg over there.")

Was this blog down for some amount time over the past few days? Could have been. Seems to happen quite frequently. We believe that has something to do with how much we paid for this service. Which would be...nothing. Blogger.com is our Lovey Salzman. It just wants to love us and make us comfortable, despite all those nasty people smoking big cee-gars elsewhere on the Internet.

Does the occassional screen capture of an FBOFW image constitute a copyright violation? Not surprisingly, copyright law (created for the copyright holders, not the potential infringers) is a little vague on that point. The various comic strip critique blogs could make the argument that we are offering literary/artistic criticism, and that few pixels of FBOFW-generated images we use don't compromise the value of the original work, don't represent the bulk of what's being offered and don't produce any profit or other benefit for us.

Problem is, if it comes down to it, that's an argument we'd need to make in court. And, frankly, it ain't worth the time to do that just to make fun of Elly's nose and Merrie's lack of bladder control. (And, come to think of it, John's too.)

So, then, if we haven't been sent to the slammer, why has Elly's Revenge been strangely silent these past few days?

Partly confusion -- aren't a "fracture" and a "break" the same thing? Deanna's ongoing distinction between the two keeps throwing us for a loop.

But, mostly, the culprit is sheer boredom: We're beginning the third week of FBOFW documenting the travails Mike and Deanna have encountered by moving up one flight of stairs. (Broken beds! Busted arms! Smelly new neighbors! Evictions! Civil unrest in the foyer! And Lovey's getting an ulcer..oy!) Just imagine if they'd move up two stories...or, heaven forbid, a few blocks away!

Anyway, with FBOFW stretching out two minutes of action over three weeks, it seems a bit, well, obvious to point out that characters aren't drawn realistically or that their actions don't seem true to life. When Lynn or her minions start giving a damn again...so will we.

Until then -- or until the FBOFW posse comes and strings us up from the highest tree -- others are welcome to post and we'll promote meritorious comments.

Living Upstairs from Satan

By Zephyra
(Promoted from comments)

All right, today's comic firmly establishes what I think many of us have suspected for some time now.

Mr. Kelpfroth is, in fact, Satan. Exhibit A is today's strip. Exhibit B is here. I imagine Mrs. Kelpfroth is some sort of lieutenant demon.

Hopefully, the Forces of Light will exorcise the evil Kelpfroths from the building. Once the baby Pattersons start interacting with the Kelpfroths, it'll be like kryptonite to Superman, guaranteed.

Today's strip

Today's FBOFW Is Really Funny

The mind reels -- there's so much to comment on today. (e.g., Why can't Mike and Dee carry their umbrellas upstairs? Why does a tape outline empower Mike to leave his junk in front of his neighbor's doorway? Why is Melville's groin the focal point in two of the drawings? Why is Mike's peculiarly drawn head jiggling in the last frame? Is Mike clever enough to include the entryway in his part of the foyer, so the Kelpfroth's can never get in...or did he give them the door, ensuring that he and his family can never leave?)

But, since everyone's pretty much outlined the inanities of today's strip over at Foobivese, there's no reason to spend any more space rehashing them here.

But, I do want to say: I think today's strip is one of the funniest FBOFWs in the last five years.

No, it's not the "I object/objectionable" punchline. (Keep working those homonyms, Lynn; you're bound to strike gold one of these days!)

Today's laugh outloud moment is in frame 1: Our hero is busy at work, doing the Les Nessman thing. And, his thought bubble reads, "Snort, fume, grumble."

Not his voice bubble mind you. If it were the voice bubble, then it would be like the tape dispenser saying "striftt" in the same frame, yet another example of LJ's bad onomatopoeia -- which ceased to be laugh outloud funny six or seven years ago.

No, "Snort, fume, grumble" is what Mike is thinking. These are the deep thoughts bouncing around in that profound, saintly, senior editor brain of his.

Snort. Fume. Grumble.

For some of us it's hard to put our thoughts into words. For Mike, apparently, it's hard to put his thoughts into thoughts.

Bravo!

Makes me laugh just to think about. Yes, sir, you are truly laughable.

Today's Strip

P.S.: I also like how Lynn assumes we won't get the fact that Mike is unhappy unless she -- or whoever is drawing it these days (since none of today's renderings of Michael P. show him looking the way he used to look...last week) -- gives him the classic comic strip upside down smile. Oooh, happy...he's so not!