Portrait Magazine Press Release

July Cover Story Exposes Kelpfroths
(Note to editors: This press release is embargoed until June 20.)

Vanity Fair's revelation of Deep Throat's true identity isn't the only big story hitting newsstands in July. Toronto-based monthly Portrait is coming out with an equally sensational article, "Kelpfroth: The Downstairs Neighbors." Writer and Portrait Senior Editor Michael "Les Nessman" Patterson takes Portrait where no publication has dared gone before -- to the downstairs foyer of his apartment building.

His 45,000-word essay chronicles in detail the lives of Melville and Winnie Kelpfroth. Like personalities featured in previous Portrait cover stories (such as Josef Weeder and "not super- but rather so-so- model" Sophia Limpfernuggle), the Kelpfroths were not well previously known: But, now they matter to all Canadians because they know Portrait Senior Editor Michael "Center of Universe" Patterson.

"Now that they know me, theirs is a story that must be told," said Portrait Senior Editor Michael "Thumper" Patterson. "It's a fascinating tale of people who aspire all their lives to live near me and my kin. Yet, when their dreams finally come true, they end up alienating the one person for whom they care the most -- me."

Readers will be spellbound as they learn the true details about Melville Kelpfroth's life including:

  • He likes to smoke big cigars, often at oddly inappropriate times.
  • He prefers tank-top style t-shirts. His favorite color is white. His second favorte color is off-white.
  • He takes out the trash on Wednesdays.
  • Um, did we mention he likes cigars?
  • He seems to have a real problem with masking tape being affixed to the floors of foyers.

Like her husband, Winnie Kelpfroth also seems to be easily offended by masking tape in public areas. Through the course of the essay, we also learn other fascinating details about her, like

  • "Winnie" is not her real name. (It's "Winifred.") Further, "Kelpfroth" is not her given last name. Apparently, she took that name when she wed Melville Kelpfroth. Her real last name is "Heimerdiddleklingerhoff." "I was never able to determine the reason she changed both her first and last name," said Portrait Senior Editor Michael "Scoop" Patterson. "It is truly objectionable."
  • When she stands around and talks, she often puts her hand on her hip.
  • Kids make too much damn noise!
  • Her husband likes to smoke cigars.

Senior Editor Michael "Sweetcheeks" Patterson admits that at first the creative team at Portrait was not enthused about dedicating nearly 25 pages of its July issue to an article about his downstairs neighbors, with whom he had been fueding. "Not everyone 'got it,'" Patterson admits. But, "after reading the first 20,000 or 25,000 words they had to agree: This was a story that had to be told."

"It's easier than fighting with him," says Portrait Publisher Velma Vanderheiderman. "He's got the dirt on all of us. He's threatened to go public with it if we don't let him have his way. How do you think a barely experienced j-school grad got a job like this to begin with? He's vicious, but not particularly savvy. He really does think senior editorial positions at national magazines pay $8,000/Canadian per year."

"This may be our most compelling issue ever," enthuses Senior Editor Michael "Chico de Mama" Patterson. "I predict it will do even better than our 'My Daughter's Pediatrician' and 'Lovey Salzman: Shlemazil or Shlemeil?' features."

Velma Vanderheiderman agrees. Or, at least, she doesn't bother to disagree. "Whatever. He's driving this magazine into the ground anyway. Yet another article about his family or friends isn't going to make a difference."

Says Senior Editor Michael "Captive Audience" Patterson: "I believe this is such an interesting story that people will gladly spend weeks reading it."


  • Today's strip

    Anonymous a bunker said...

    Glad to see you're back. Does everyone realise: Except for the brief breaks on Sundays, this story arc began exactly one month ago on Monday, May 2! And, that's just chronicling a move of a few hundred feet. According to the monthly letters, Liz is moving back all the way from the Arctic Circle -- just imagine how long that will take.

    9:04 AM  
    Blogger crumblord said...

    She'll move with all the speed of an arctic glacier.

    Have we really been treading water on this story for a month? Sheez.

    12:10 PM  
    Blogger MaryAnnTheRest said...

    Awesome post, I love it! Chico de Mama!

    1:29 PM  
    Anonymous marciamarciamarcia said...

    Oh. My. God. Your sarcasm was right.

    See, yesterday I totally figured that Weed meant for Mike to write about the Kelpfroths as a short story or something, which, while still lame, is at least plausible.

    But no...he actually did mean in Portrait! Oh my fucking god.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to my editor about an upcoming story on my neighbor's dog.

    10:40 AM  
    Blogger Anne said...

    Is it just me or does seeing Weed move his body like that (re: Ole!) make anyone else want to hurl??

    7:49 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Well, he moves his body in a girly fashion, because Weed is secretly Kortney! He has multiple personality syndrom.

    7:36 AM  
    Anonymous Sourbelly said...

    When's the last time something HAPPENED in this strip? Some character has to die, and soon. My first choice would be everybody. My second choice would be Weed. That image of him swishing his matronly hips and shouting "Ole" is burned into my soul.

    5:55 AM  
    Blogger dersprokkett said...

    Klepfroths Issue Rebuttal to Peeved Pattersons

    AP -- Toronto. In a statement released to local media, allegedly nefarious neighbours Melville and Winnie Kelpfroth decried Portrait magazine's upcoming feature about them as "a hatchet job," "not very nice," and "unPattersonesque."
    "I was shocked -- shocked! -- when Portrait's fact checkers called and read some of this dreck to me," Mrs. Kelpforth said. "These people have the nerve to leave tricycles all over the place, where even nice old people like our landlady might fall over them and break a hip, and they accuse us? The nerve!" Mrs. Kelpfroth added.
    Melville Kelpfroth referred further inquiries to his attorney, J. Pierre Chretienschnoggledeaux, as the cigar wedged in his mouth prevents most speech.
    "I wish that Patterson woman and her so-called writer husband would buy his parents' house already," Mrs. Kelpfroth said. "As long as they're here, I may as well go ahead with that call to child protective services I've been meaning to make. 'Accidentally broke her arm,' my sweet, wrinkled ass." Mrs. Kelpfroth added.

    1:33 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Oh, please. Tell me Elly is not getting all damp in the panties over a fucking station wagon. You're retired, Elly! You're almost an empty nester! You don't need a sensible car!

    And poor, sad, pathetic John. So much for that sports car you wanted, buddy. Now you're stuck with an Asscrack, excuse me, a "Crevasse."

    8:31 AM  

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