Predictions

By Anonymous
(Promoted from comments)

My predictions for the strip aside from the obvious "Mike and Deanna buy the Patterson family home..."

Grandpa Jim dies of a heart attack during an erotic nap. Iris finds Dixie chewing on his body and loses her mind. Elly makes news by adopting the now-demented Iris as her third daughter, occasionally paying Lovey to come over and babysit and bring her delicious oigevaydens and schlopnik.

Edgar dies saving Meredith from being hit by a truck driven by none other than Kortnee. The truck flips over and Kortnee dies, killed by her own badness. Elly and April share thoughts on Kortnee's long overdue fate for two weeks.

In a bizarre karmic twist, both Therese and Deanna's mother ram their cars into each other while en route to the mall and both are killed in the crash. Elly and April spend a month of strips sharing thoughts on how the victims were killed by their greed. All Pattersons (by birth or marriage) are shocked by the outrageous cover charge and two drink minimum at Therese's funeral.

Widowed at the age of 82, the progeriatric Anthony takes Francoise to the enchanted land of Mgitakwi to her newer, better Mommy, Elizabeth. Francoise's innate French-Canadian wickedness is quickly tempered by the innate generosity and purity of the native Mgitakwians.

Shiimsa dies saving Francoise from a polar bear attack.

Elly does indeed hand over the shop to Moira and teams up with the aforementioned Lovey and Candace's Auntie Roo to start up a mobile meddling service. Days are saved all throughout the greater Toronto area.

Concerned by flagging readership, Lynn Johnston drops another bomb when April reveals that all this talk of getting "the look" from boys and "morsels" was a front to conceal that she is a lesbian. This news keeps Elly's sphincter in knots until she finds a punny homily to save the day. Two weeks later, there is a tasteful, non-greedy, non-French Canadian wedding held in the backyard of what is now Mike and Deanna's house, joining April and Shannon Lake in holiest matrimony.

Butterscotch dies saving Robin from choking on one of Lovey's handmade shlapklatzyns. John dies while digging yet another grave beside Farley's tree. Elly looks at sunset, thinks platitude. Strip ends.