4/29/2005

Tonight on Larry King

LARRY KING LIVE TRANSCRIPT
April 29, 8:15 p.m.

[snip]

Dr Ralph. Morgan, Psychiatrist: So, really, there's nothing unusual about you wanting to have your cat sleep with you, sir. But, your insistence that it wear a nightgown may be something you want to discuss with a qualified medical professional.
Larry King: Milborough, Ontario, Canada. Go ahead.
Caller: Hi Larry, love your show, hello from Canada.
King: The land of Anne Murray. She'll be with us on Monday, by the way, along with Jonah Goldberg, Mickey Rooney, former Governor Ann Richards, Joe Torre and funnyman Howie Mandel, talking about the new pope. Go ahead with your question.
Caller: Yes, for Dr. Morgan. My husband is having a bit of a, um, problem.
Morgan: Marital disagreements can be a strain. Tell me what's happening.
Caller: Well, he wants to buy a car.
[PAUSE]
Morgan: Is there something else?
Caller: No, that's pretty much it.
Morgan: Why is purchasing a car a problem?
Caller: Don't you know?! You lose money when you spend it on a car. I've told my husband that, and told him and told him and told him and told him. But he still wants to buy the car.
Morgan: And, the issue is you can't really afford the car?
Caller: Oh, we can afford it. We have LOTS of money. More than I know what to do with. I don't share any with my kids. Instead, I buy buildings, take long vacations, swim with dolphins. Practical things like that. I don't have to work, you know. I only do it because I like interacting customers, even though they are all rude, dishonest, self-absorded misanthropes. My husband and I could even retire. For the REST of our life. Get it? Rest has two meanings there -- "remainder" and "relaxation." Hahahaha. Oh that's rich.
Morgan: Um, yes, good one. Still, I'm not sure why--
Caller: We've owned three cars before!
Morgan: And, it's just the two of you?
Caller: No, three of us. Well, four if you count my daughter who lives with us during the summer. And, five if you count my son, who works as a senior editor at a prestigious magazine and thus can't be expected to be able to afford his own vehicle.
Morgan: Well, three cars for five people doesn't seem that out of line. I mean, maybe a little extravagent, but if you can really afford it, I don't see--
Caller: Doctor, I don't think you appreciate the gravity of this situation. He wants to swap the ol' Bushwhacker.
Morgan: I'm not sure what that means. Is it a sexual--?
Caller: The Bushwhacker? Surely you've heard of it. It's a really popular car here in Canada. OUCH!
Morgan: Are you OK?
Caller: Yeah, just my trick sphincter.
Morgan: Back to your husband -- I still don't understand why you're concerned, if you can afford the car and there's a need for it and--
Caller: You don't see the problem!? A 55 year old man -- with more money than he knows what to do with. Time on his hands. BUYING a car? You don't see what a cry for help this is?
King: The doctor doesn't see a problem, and we've already spent a lot of time on this call. Maybe we should move on to our next--
Caller: You call this a lot of time? It's only been, like, two minutes. At home, we've been talking nonstop about this issue for five straight days, and I expect it will be at least another two weeks before we move onto another topic.
Morgan: Perhaps if you put your husband on the line, I could counsel him.
Caller: Sorry, he can't come to the phone. He and my daughter were smooching on the couch for a while, then they went downstairs, my husband took off his clothes, dressed up like a railroad engineer and now he's in the basement making her watch him push his "big locomotive" through a tunnel.
Morgan: Excuse me? You may have a bigger problem than the car. This sounds like --
Caller: Oops, gotta run. Connie's here to go for a jog. Time flies...but flies have time. Bye now.
King: And that's all the time we have for tonight's show. Thank Dr. Ralph Morgan. Tomorrow night: Perky chef Rachel Ray: What does she think of the war in Iraq? Be with us.

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  • 5 Comments:

    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    That was brilliant. SO brilliant.

    2:28 PM  
    Anonymous cherry said...

    I am in awe of your absolute comedic genius. *bows deeply*

    5:41 PM  
    Anonymous Peaches said...

    Wonderful. A direct hit. (applause).

    8:37 AM  
    Anonymous ellcee said...

    PRICELESS!!! I bow before the master!

    LC

    9:11 AM  
    Anonymous Sourbelly said...

    Brah-vo!

    1:51 PM  

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