Part 6: Neighborhood Tips

From the Milborough Heights Welcome Wagon

In previous sections we've discussed the best local garage, how to get to the closest MallMart, and where nearby to get the best couscous (yum!) and chocolate milk (rrrrowr).

In this section, we tackle the more sensitive issue of avoiding the Pattersons.

Please, dear neighbor, do not discuss this with the Pattersons. They are a well-meaning, if somewhat self-righteous, lot. Their daugther April is a solid 21. But, despite the P. family's good intentions, most of us quickly learn that, if we want to keep our sanity, we need to come up with excuses to avoid them. Here are the best tips we've come up with on what to do should you encounter a Patterson:

  • Tell them you or your spouse just died. (Leave a message on your home answering machine saying, "We can't come to the phone right now. We are dead." Just don't make the same mistake I did: Stop right there. Don't say, "Please leave a message and we'll call you back.")

  • Tell them you are moving to Florida.

  • Tell them you can't talk right now because you have to look after your vehicle. (For some reason, this always elicits a knowing nod.)

Don't try this one: "Oh, sorry, can't talk right now, my daughter is lost and I must find her." Our neighbor Mrs. Lake tried this recently, and said the results were disasterous.

  • Today's strip

    Anonymous Woodrowfan said...

    And for further proof please see today's strip. Someone please tell Lynn to stop preaching!!!!


    5:01 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Warning: Exposure to Pattersons may cause the following: Screaming, headache, nausia, tooth decay, bleeding from the eyes and nose and in extreme cases, inversible violent dementia.

    7:35 AM  

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