Tonight on Larry King

LARRY KING LIVE TRANSCRIPT
April 29, 8:15 p.m.

[snip]

Dr Ralph. Morgan, Psychiatrist: So, really, there's nothing unusual about you wanting to have your cat sleep with you, sir. But, your insistence that it wear a nightgown may be something you want to discuss with a qualified medical professional.
Larry King: Milborough, Ontario, Canada. Go ahead.
Caller: Hi Larry, love your show, hello from Canada.
King: The land of Anne Murray. She'll be with us on Monday, by the way, along with Jonah Goldberg, Mickey Rooney, former Governor Ann Richards, Joe Torre and funnyman Howie Mandel, talking about the new pope. Go ahead with your question.
Caller: Yes, for Dr. Morgan. My husband is having a bit of a, um, problem.
Morgan: Marital disagreements can be a strain. Tell me what's happening.
Caller: Well, he wants to buy a car.
[PAUSE]
Morgan: Is there something else?
Caller: No, that's pretty much it.
Morgan: Why is purchasing a car a problem?
Caller: Don't you know?! You lose money when you spend it on a car. I've told my husband that, and told him and told him and told him and told him. But he still wants to buy the car.
Morgan: And, the issue is you can't really afford the car?
Caller: Oh, we can afford it. We have LOTS of money. More than I know what to do with. I don't share any with my kids. Instead, I buy buildings, take long vacations, swim with dolphins. Practical things like that. I don't have to work, you know. I only do it because I like interacting customers, even though they are all rude, dishonest, self-absorded misanthropes. My husband and I could even retire. For the REST of our life. Get it? Rest has two meanings there -- "remainder" and "relaxation." Hahahaha. Oh that's rich.
Morgan: Um, yes, good one. Still, I'm not sure why--
Caller: We've owned three cars before!
Morgan: And, it's just the two of you?
Caller: No, three of us. Well, four if you count my daughter who lives with us during the summer. And, five if you count my son, who works as a senior editor at a prestigious magazine and thus can't be expected to be able to afford his own vehicle.
Morgan: Well, three cars for five people doesn't seem that out of line. I mean, maybe a little extravagent, but if you can really afford it, I don't see--
Caller: Doctor, I don't think you appreciate the gravity of this situation. He wants to swap the ol' Bushwhacker.
Morgan: I'm not sure what that means. Is it a sexual--?
Caller: The Bushwhacker? Surely you've heard of it. It's a really popular car here in Canada. OUCH!
Morgan: Are you OK?
Caller: Yeah, just my trick sphincter.
Morgan: Back to your husband -- I still don't understand why you're concerned, if you can afford the car and there's a need for it and--
Caller: You don't see the problem!? A 55 year old man -- with more money than he knows what to do with. Time on his hands. BUYING a car? You don't see what a cry for help this is?
King: The doctor doesn't see a problem, and we've already spent a lot of time on this call. Maybe we should move on to our next--
Caller: You call this a lot of time? It's only been, like, two minutes. At home, we've been talking nonstop about this issue for five straight days, and I expect it will be at least another two weeks before we move onto another topic.
Morgan: Perhaps if you put your husband on the line, I could counsel him.
Caller: Sorry, he can't come to the phone. He and my daughter were smooching on the couch for a while, then they went downstairs, my husband took off his clothes, dressed up like a railroad engineer and now he's in the basement making her watch him push his "big locomotive" through a tunnel.
Morgan: Excuse me? You may have a bigger problem than the car. This sounds like --
Caller: Oops, gotta run. Connie's here to go for a jog. Time flies...but flies have time. Bye now.
King: And that's all the time we have for tonight's show. Thank Dr. Ralph Morgan. Tomorrow night: Perky chef Rachel Ray: What does she think of the war in Iraq? Be with us.

Today's strip

Wednesday's strip

Bla bla bla bla

In the Mind of Lynn Johnston

"I know what I'll do to get those bloggers off my back. They make fun of my April storylines, my Michael and Deanna plots, my Grandpa Jim arcs and, worst of all, they ridicule the Mtigwakis and my beloved Elly's sphincter. I'll show them. I'll create a storyline so devoid of any interest that they'll have nothing to say for a week, shrivel up and die."

Check...and mate.

Today's strip

"I Don't Want to Make You Jealous, April..."

...But, today, Dr. Everett Morsel told me I had totally top-of-the-line "equipment!"

(And, you don't want to know what he said about filling my anatomy...or something like that.)

Today's strip

Hello, FBoFW? Do you take requests?

You do? Oh good, thanks. Here goes. This is for John and Elly in Milborough. Ahem.

JUST RETIRE ALREADY!!

Whatever...just stop talking about it!

Between their swims with dolphins, does the FBoFW creative ever think about how out of touch this comic strip is with current reality? Look at the news folks: Social Security can’t last a minute longer. People’s stock-based 401(k) investments are tanking. Some employers are defaulting on pension plans, while many others are cutting back benefits. Health care and gasoline costs are skyrocketing.

But, what are we treated to? Endless weeks of the Patterson parents reminding us they don’t need to work and wondering if they should go on permanent vacation earlier than planned.

Indeed there are two recurring story arcs that suggest Lynn Johnston really has no idea what it’s like to work for a living. First is this one -- the whole, “Woe is me, I can’t decide whether to retire while in my 50s or not” angst cycle. The other is Mike and Deanna’s inability to buy a home or pay their rent, despite having what are depicted as two pretty good jobs. Neither portrayal rings true with the audience…or, at least, with this audience member.

It’s enough to make you wish the SLA would take Lizardbreath hostage and demand the Pattersons dedicate some of their vast fortune to feeding the poor or something.

And, if that’s not going to happen, PLEASE….let’s move onto something else.

Today's strip

I Can Name That Tune in One Note

From today's strip: Is Dr. Everett Morsel whistling...or brain farting? We report, you decide.

Today's strip (again)

Jargon and Vacation

So, let's get this straight: When it comes to teenage lingo, Lynn just makes it up. Because, after all, no one who reads comic strips really knows what teens sound like. But, when it comes to dental talk, there you've got to have authenticity. "If I just say MODVL people will know I'm faking. Make it a posterior MODVL. Then no dentist will call me a foob."

By the way, based on a recent entry in "April's blog," I got a feeling I know what's going to happen on the elder Patterson's annual multimonth vacation.

Today's strip

Today's Fare

This is the third or fourth time April's awkward teen lingo has depicted fiiine-looking males as some sort of edible snack. Oh sure, we could pontificate about the inappropriateness of a family-oriented comic strip habitually objectifying the opposite sex (or, in this case, caramelizing it). But, we aim to be more helpful than that.

Because, we fear, this story arc is intended to send us all clues about Lynn's pending retirement. As has been mentioned a zillion times, Elly is Lynn's alter-ego. All this talk about retirement at a premature age, selling brandnames, living off real estate investments -- gotta feeling we're seeing the Johnston family game plan here.

Which would be a bummer. Not only do we make our living riffing off of FBoFW (did you know "Elly's Revenge" pays in excess of $200K per year!? Canadian, sure, but still it's a nice living), but we hate to think of anyone giving up as cushy a job as "writing" FBoFW. Seriously, how much effort can this require? Dreaming up the occasional rhyming phrase ("rooting, tooting, scooting"), pun ("I sphinct erefore I am") or offkey onomatopoeia ("Snozz! umm! snuffle! snark! smack!")? It can't be that hard.

We have to believe it's the additional burden of creating mealtime metaphors that has pushed Lynn over the edge. So, to help the FBoFW creative team through this hard time, here are some more phrases April can use to verbalize her lust for hotbods and totally buff guys.

• meat sandwich, hold the bun!
  
• spicy marinara
  
• hard dinner roll
  
• hot sausage
  
• chunky bleu cheese
  
• California roll
  
• taquito
  
• souvlaki
  
• creme-filled long John
  

Gasp, gasp...

• sloppy joe
  
• kosher salami
  
• mahi mahi
  
• YooHoo
  
• calamari
  
• pudding....Jello-brand pudding
  

um....

• Gala apple
  
• chile relleno
  
• frozen pizza
  

Er, let's see...there's also:

• pomegranate
  
• zilzil tibbs
  
• organic 2% milk
  

...Hmm, this is harder than I realized. Perhaps I'll sell Elly's Revenge to FOOBiverse and just live off my building rental income.

Today's strip

Supportive Spouse

So, let's get this straight. John apparently has long conversations with Moira when Elly's not around. And, in those conversations, they both agree that Elly is running her business into the ground and she should sell it off. Small wonder that Moira would feel this way, what with Elly taking off weeks at a time and consigning business administration duties to her 13-year-old child. But, the fact that Dr. John is playing along with this -- and speculating at length with Moira about how Elly would be better off just owning the building instead of having anything to do with the store -- seems sort of peculiar.

Nice husbandly support there John. I bet after the conversations about what an inept businesswoman Elly was, he and Moira would sit around chuckling about Elly's sphincter.

Weird episodess like this make me wonder whether Lynn Johnston is intentionally trying to depict the Pattersons as a dysfunctional family. Or, if somehow the scenes she "draws" seem to her like normal life. Perhaps Lynn's pending retirement is due to the fact that her husband has convinced her that she would be happier handing off her enterprise and staying and looking after the home and her intenstinal tract. Hmm.

Today's strip

Listening to Complaints About Aging "Isn't for the Faint of Heart"

Maybe after my big deadline crunch, my senses are somewhat dulled. But, I've reread today's FBoFW several times (which, I suspect, is more than the author of the strip can claim), and I can say without fear of contradiction that it makes no sense. The recap:

FRAME 1: Elly tells Paw he doesn't complain about growing old. (Which, in my book, after five days of Elly bitching about the symptoms of old age, would make the Grampster a hero.) Yet just yesterday in the strip (which is supposed to be like two-minutes ago in FBOFW-time, right?), Jim was whining about "giving up youth and good looks," and Monday he was carping about not being able to see clearly. "Silent suffering" does not appear to be a trait of this family.

FRAME 2: Elly catalogs Gramps' litany of medical maladies. Repeating back to someone what he is dying of does seem a touch on the tacky side. But, we've been there before with Elly.

FRAME 3: "Says who?" Grandpa demands. (Dude, should we add senile dementia to the list? You've talked about almost all of this stuff before.) "Iris," Elly says. Which means Elly knows Jim has complained about his aging symptoms. Which means her initial observation ("You handle...aging without complaint") was wrong to begin with.

FRAME 4: "You complain to me," Iris says. Right, like I just said above. And then, for some reason Elly's eyes disappear.

Waiter, I'll have whatever Ms. Johnston is drinking.

Today's strip

Sphincter Says What

Please, in response to today's strip about Elly's sphincter, enjoy this awkward silence.

...

Today's strip

FBOFW: Later That Same Day

Dad: Um is there anything else you want to tell me? You haven't committed any serious crimes have you?

April: Oh no, people who commit serious crimes are evil. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. Well, I did break into to someone's house once an' stole his TV.

Dad: Really.

April: It was a long time ago. An' the guy didn't care about the TV.

Dad: That's nice.

April: Because as I was taking the set, the guy came downstairs. So, I had to kill him. But, it's OK. It was just a stereotypical Indian guy.

Dad: Really.

April: I don't know how people who chop up corpses live with themselves. Well, I did chop up his corpse, but I didn't leave it lying around! I buried him in the basement of mom's store. One time, Kortney was down there sniffing around, so I knew I had to get rid of her.

Dad: Like how.

April: I was going to kill her. But, I just couldn't live with myself if I committed multiple homicides. Well, I could live with myself, but I'd forgotten my rod. So, I tried stapling her with mom's staple gun. When she threatened to tell on me, I just made up a story about how she was stealing money from mom, an' planted some evidence at her house. Moira took care of the rest. She is such a foob.

Dad: That's right.

CUT TO SUPERMARKET WHERE KORTNEY WORKS

Kortney: What's this?

April: Just a reminder not to rat me out.

Onomatopoeia: Staple! Staple! Kershinkifunklima? Staple!

Today's strip

Part 6: Neighborhood Tips

From the Milborough Heights Welcome Wagon

In previous sections we've discussed the best local garage, how to get to the closest MallMart, and where nearby to get the best couscous (yum!) and chocolate milk (rrrrowr).

In this section, we tackle the more sensitive issue of avoiding the Pattersons.

Please, dear neighbor, do not discuss this with the Pattersons. They are a well-meaning, if somewhat self-righteous, lot. Their daugther April is a solid 21. But, despite the P. family's good intentions, most of us quickly learn that, if we want to keep our sanity, we need to come up with excuses to avoid them. Here are the best tips we've come up with on what to do should you encounter a Patterson:

• Tell them you or your spouse just died. (Leave a message on your home answering machine saying, "We can't come to the phone right now. We are dead." Just don't make the same mistake I did: Stop right there. Don't say, "Please leave a message and we'll call you back.")
  
  
• Tell them you are moving to Florida.
  
  
• Tell them you can't talk right now because you have to look after your vehicle. (For some reason, this always elicits a knowing nod.)
  

Don't try this one: "Oh, sorry, can't talk right now, my daughter is lost and I must find her." Our neighbor Mrs. Lake tried this recently, and said the results were disasterous.

Today's strip

Chicken Out....For Now

Though the likelihood of a 14 year old liking (or even recognizing) couscous deserves comment, that wasn't the most noticeable thing about today's FBoFW.

Rather, it was this disturbing image, embedded in today's strip. As Dr. John and April's "special" relationship continues to unfold, we are treated to this image -- a roast chicken lodged in the bent-over dentist's derriere, and April getting ready to do something with a load of grapes.

I guess it beats being...full of beans?

Today's strip

Welcome Spring

Be thankful for small favors:

• No preachiness in today's FBoFW. A welcome break from the tedious soap opera that has become FBoFW, today's installment revives the old "tell a gag in four panels" format. Not that dogs bonking into hallway doors is exactly Monty Python-caliber humor. But, at least for today, there's a temporary cessation in the beatification of various Pattersons.
  
  
• The creative team at FBoFW corporate seems to have resisted what surely was a mighty urge to insert into today's strip the phrase "April Foob's Day." Seriously, thank you.
  
  
• Courtesy of commenters here and on the FOOBiverse blog, I and many others now know a new synonym for "mischevious." Thanks, dudes, you are soooo full of beans.
  
  
• A new banner on the FBoFW home page says, "Welcome spring!" Nearly all of this month's letters to me declare the same thing. If Lynn Johnston doth decree winter weather to be over, it shall be. (Speaking of the FBoFW chartered web site, the creative staff there, with clearly too much time on its hands, has added yet another bizarre new feature: an expansive compendium of FBoFW secondary characters.)
  
  
• The Sunday strip is only two days away! (Well, for me, the wait is only one day, since our local paper delivers the Sunday color insert on Saturday.) Please, let it be another wordless Grandpa/Iris makeout session. They are so full of beans. (Though, in this case, I really do mean they have a flatulence problem.)
  

Today's strip